I woke up feeling like crap. My jaw was tight and my head hurt, obviously another active night of grinding my Invisalign retainers. The husband was working a flight to Tahiti for four days and my sister willingly ASKED if my monsters could spend the night with her. I was all alone. I love my quiet time, a house to myself is complete heaven, so why did I wake up so grumpy? And now I have to admit it wasn’t just this morning, it’s been a common feeling for the past week. The melancholy blues hanging over me.
I drank my coffee on the back patio and did some computer work. I knew I needed to go pound out these feelings and deal with the swirling thoughts in my head. Since it wasn’t smoky or 95 degrees I thought I would go on the hardest hike near Boulder. Plus nature always has a way of helping me get ‘right-sized’.
Each step up Mt. Sanitas is unstable and rocky, at times the trail is missing. The path is covered in red dirt, tree roots, loose rocks and haggard old trees line the side of the cliff. I was so focused I couldn’t think. My head was at rest but my lungs were working overtime. So much for solving all the chaos in my life. In 47 minutes I reached the crescendo at 1300 vertical feet and then nonchalantly just kept walking down the eastern side to complete the loop.
Going down is always harder and takes more concentration. I went slow and really took in the views with each step.
And then I allowed the grief to come along and hike with me.
I am sad for the aviation industry and that so many people’s dreams are about to be shattered.
I am sad that so many will be without a job. What will the ripple effects look like?
I’m grieving my daughter's kindergarten experience, or lack thereof. It is not fair that her first school experience (that we have prepared her for all summer long) will resemble what she has already been doing.all.summer.long.
I am sad for the farm house I thought we would have bought in March.
I am sad for the hurt in the world. The inequality, the unnecessary deaths and shootings.
I am grieving. This sucks. I don’t know how to fix this.
And grief says, “look how cool those rocks are!” I am gingerly stepping on stacked shale that has been pushed up vertically against multiple layers of earth during some seismic event. I recall that these red rocks are part of the Fountain Formation which is 280 MILLION YEARS OLD. They are what the flatirons and red rocks are made of and are so prominent along the Colorado foothills. This formation was formed by the erosion of the Ancestral Rocky Mountains.
How is it possible that today I am walking on something so old? I absolutely cannot fathom that.
The earth changes so much and it is still here. Day after day. What has this blue dot seen in all of her years? This period of uncertainty and unrest means nothing to her, it is just a blimp in time. We will continue to experience scarcity and prosperity. Light and dark. Happy and sad.
And grief says the hardest thing to do is to acknowledge I am here; let me in.
